Handy hints

The book of 1,000 housewife’s tips I picked up on Queen’s Day is a goldmine of sound advice.
Here are a few of my favorite. And I swear to you they’re all direct translations.
-Velvet hats (and I know there are many of you out there with velvet hats) can be cleaned by rubbing them with a piece of dry bread. Marks on the edges can be removed with a cloth soaked in petrol.
-Get rid of insects and fleas on your animals by giving them a firm brushing with water you’ve boiled potatoes in.
-You can treat wood worm holes by filling them with petrol and sealing them shut with bee wax.
-Protect your fruit juice from mould by covering it in a thin layer of paraffin.
Hang on, I’m spotting a pattern here. I’m just going to check see if Shell is sponsoring this fine publication. No, apparently not, though it does say the list was put together with the cooperation of countless experts.
-Drive away rats by smearing tar over the holes they use to get into your house.
-Cigar ash is very fine. It doesn’t scratch metal and is ideal for cleaning windows and mirrors.
Remember this handy tip next time you go to a restaurant and suspect the sommelier is ripping you off: -You can find out if your red wine has been falsified like this - Allow a porcelain plate to float on a bowl of hot water and pour in some wine. Falsified wine will leave a bright red ring behind while genuine wine gives a dark brown ring.
And finally, for all you housewives who like a sip of gin while you’re smearing tar on rat holes: Alcohol, nicotine and caffeine cause arousal of your nervous system. The less often you take them the more sensitive you remain to their salutary effects _ and (pay attention here) the more you limit their inevitable damaging effects.
I’m thinking that it could be very damaging indeed if you decide to light up a cigarette while you’re cleaning your velvet hat with a petrol-soaked cloth.
That’s it for now, but don’t think I won’t be dipping into this treasure trove of petroleum-soaked tips on a regular basis and sharing them with you.